Married and Lonely
Quite some years ago, before children filled my free time, I remember a conversation with a friend where I told her I felt lonely. At the time, I was single, wasn’t sure what to do with my spare time, and didn’t like weekends all that much. Often, they meant I’d have to scramble for human contact.
“I think it’s better to be single and lonely than married and lonely,” my friend responded. My friend felt she belonged to the latter category: a marriage without connection.
I understood what she meant: to her, single and lonely seemed easier to change than married and lonely.
In fact, loneliness can and does creep into many marriages. Unmet emotional needs, shifting personal priorities, or a lack of meaningful connection are relatively commonplace at some point even in the most committed partnerships. One 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 1 in 3 people reported feeling lonely despite being in a relationship.
Loneliness in marriage can be both surprising and confusing for those who expect their spouse to be their main source of emotional fulfillment. According to a study published in The Journals of Gerontology, even older couples who have been together for decades report feelings of emotional loneliness if they lack closeness and connection with their partner.
Why Loneliness Creeps into Marriages
There are a bunch of reasons for loneliness creep, but let’s look at a few:
Changing Life Phases: As people age, individual needs and priorities change. In many cases, partners grow apart as they evolve in different directions.
Busy Lifestyles and Routine: Modern life is hectic, and couples can fall into a routine that lacks intentional bonding time.
Emotional Distance and Communication Gaps: Not all communication is created equal. Research from Marriage and Family Review shows that deep, empathetic conversations help build emotional intimacy, while shallow, logistical talk can create emotional distance.
Technology and Distraction: While technology can keep us connected, it can also create distance. The habit of turning to smartphones instead of each other in quiet moments can erode closeness.
Unresolved Conflicts: Disagreements are natural, but when couples avoid or can’t resolve conflicts, resentment builds. Over time, unresolved issues can make partners feel distant and unsupported.
Building Connection in Marriage
First, will look at a few suggestions and then how Gratitude Buddies can help.
Invest in Quality Time: Setting aside intentional, uninterrupted time to connect can help. This might be a regular “date night” or simply 15 minutes each evening to talk about the highs and lows of the day.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. Couples can work to express their needs and listen to their partner's needs. Sometimes, simply being heard can reduce feelings of loneliness.
Rediscover Shared Interests: Finding hobbies or activities you both enjoy can rekindle companionship. Working on a project together, whether it’s as simple as cooking a meal or as ambitious as training for a race, can create shared joy and new memories.
Be Physically Present: Simply increasing physical closeness—holding hands, hugging, or sitting close while watching a movie—can help reignite feelings of closeness. Physical touch releases oxytocin, a hormone associated with bonding and happiness.
Seek Professional Help: If loneliness persists despite efforts to reconnect, a couples therapist can help. Therapy provides a neutral space for both partners to express their feelings, address underlying issues, and work toward healthier patterns of connection.
How Gratitude Buddies Can Help
Gratitude Buddies can help ignite the pathway back to each other in a low-pressured way. As a form of “intentional bonding.”
Couples take the Gratitude Buddies Guided Journey, following the daily lessons, together.
They actively look for the good in their lives, together.
They shift their mindsets, together.
They make sure to notice what the other is doing RIGHT, together.
Such attention both to a) what we like about our partner and b) what we appreciate about life in general can already begin improving closeness.
Gratitude Buddies can also be useful beyond romantic partnerships. For example, new moms might partner with others in similar situations, allowing them to find support and share the journey of parenting. This kind of connection helps to meet emotional needs without overloading the relationship.
Ultimately, no marriage is perfect. However, by focusing on what’s going well and what you appreciate about your partner, you can create a stronger, more stable relationship that grows and thrives.
Learn more about Gratitude Buddies and if you want to try connecting with your spouse through Gratitude Buddies Start with a 5 Day Trial and see how it goes.