30 Days
Pain is part of our shared human experience. There are, so they say, some enlightened beings that are able to transcend all suffering, but have you ever actually met one? Me neither. To varying degrees, we all simply struggle with this being human stuff and sometimes we struggle with it immensely. Where is gratitude then? What is its place?
In times of tragedy or crisis, some people are naturally drawn to gratitude. After a death, remembering the best parts of a loved one is a lifesaver; the kindness of strangers pulls people out of despair. Others are repelled by gratitude, as if the pain is so acute, even trying to open space for anything else just creates more pain. It is easy to become disenchanted, frustrated or turn away from a gratitude practice. That is totally ok. However, if we stay away too long, depression becomes a risk.
One of the obstacles is the sense that gratitude invalidates our pain or the loss we’re suffering. Another is that being grateful means being “happy” which may feel completely unobtainable.
Yet on the very hardest day of our lives, gratitude can be as simple as the extra foam in our cappuccino. We look down into the cup, we take note of the foam and suddenly we are lifted from our pain - even if just for a nano-second. “Ah, we think, “isn’t that a lot of foam.” And in that moment, we are free. We are a different version of ourselves. We can rebuild a life on that moment.
If you have no money for a cappuccino, spend some time looking deeply in nature. In deep observation of nature, we can find something that distracts us from our pain - even if just for a moment. We can rebuild a life on that.
In your reflection today, if you are open to exploring, share the following with your buddy: what is my relationship to gratitude when I am struggling or in grief?
Where is gratitude for the heartbroken?
Where is gratitude for the bereaved?
Where is gratitude for the anxious, exhausted, demoralized, ashamed, addicted, forsaken?
What shall we be grateful for then?
Around the time I was first trying to get gratitude buddies off the ground, I experienced a series of losses, related to estrangement, addiction and divorce.
It felt like I was cycling in and out of the five stages of grief for far longer than I would have preferred. At times, I felt like I couldn’t do it -I couldn’t be an “ambassador for gratitude.” I certainly didn’t feel grateful.
This led me on a journey to try to “make peace” with gratitude; to define it in a way that made sense to me. The result was the following poem:
Gratitude for the Grieving
In the house of despair
Gratitude seems
A dubious guest
Dismissive, remote
Intolerant of darker shades
But gratitude is not
About happiness
Per se
Gratitude is
Gentler than positive thinking
Softer than optimism
More patient than hope
Gratitude is
Unexpected curiosity
All is not lost
There but for the grace of God go I
Gratitude is
Not always a silver lining
But a piece of silver
Lying in the ashes of defeat
Gratitude is
A friend of frivolity
First cousin to joy
Yet gently takes grief by the hand
Gratitude arrives
Wherever welcomed
Bearing gifts
In the house of despair
Gratitude lays
Her own blanket
On the hard floor
And says I am here if you need me
- Abigail Somma
Optional
-
Your options:
1) 3 Minute Meditation on Wisdom of Emotions
2) 8 Minute General Gratitude Meditation
OR
If you are short on time, this 3 breath practice can be done after you write your list:
With eyes closed or lowered gaze:
Inhale for 5 counts
Hold for 5 counts
On the exhale, call to mind the 1st item on your list.
Repeat with the second and third items
You can also try to add a smile or hand on chest to this practice
Gratitude Buddies Message
After writing, scroll down to the GREEN button: ‘SEND TODAY’S MESSAGE.’
DO NOT click on the PINK button at the bottom right or you will lose what you have written.
Optional prompt
Day 5: Hard Times
Today you’re invited to reflect on your relationship to gratitude when you are struggling or going through hard times.